NYE

happy new year!!!

in just over two hours, we welcome the year 2013!! crazy. next year i will have a new baby - our fifth - and my oldest becomes *gasp* a teenager!!! it's going to be quite the year.

today we celebrate the end of an eventful year. jim returned from afghanistan. we lived in remodeling chaos for months - ugh! we endured two miscarriages. and then we got pregnant again, and this time...it stuck! third time's the charm, eh?

today we also celebrate the end of my first trimester, which was absolutely horrendous from mid-November through Christmastime. i still feel queasy but it's much more manageable now. we've been so grateful to receive dinners each week as i've been unable to step foot into my kitchen. i think i can handle it from now on. the icky days are becoming fewer and fewer and pretty soon i should be feeling normal and get some energy back!

today jim came with me to my 12 week appointment. funny, because his arm has been bothering him and after mentioning it to my obgyn, we discovered my doc has the same issue - tennis elbow! so jim saved a trip of his own to the doc by coming along with me, haha! we got to hear the heartbeat. so fun. we are so excited...and hoping for a girl. 

beyond awful...

as if morning sickness wasn't bad enough....cue the flu!! jackson and i both seem to have come down with what jim just had. i'm hoping it is as brief as it was for him, too. it has been so awful. yesterday was so bad i thought i was going to end up in the ER. i couldn't keep anything down....not even a tiny sip of water. luckily it turned around sometime during the horrible, seemingly endless night. i was able to keep food down for about five hours.

today i have kept food and liquids down but the nausea is horrendous. in fact, i WISH i could throw up!

the kids left for their father's. jim just dropped them off a little while ago. we won't see them again until Christmas at noon. i feel terrible that this hasn't been a great holiday season because i just lay around sick all the time. so, even though i felt like i was about to lose it, i read from Luke II and the children put the nativity together. after that, the kids opened their sibling gifts. it was a small thing to do, but it made me feel better about them leaving, having done a little something as a family. it's been a long time since we've had family time.

i am excited that 11 weeks is just a few days away! and then just one week more, i can say goodbye to the first trimester. i know i won't be feeling better right away, but i'm happy to see progress.

i'm only happy when i'm asleep! ughh... i sooo can't wait til i can enjoy this pregnancy!!!

double digits, baby!!

yeah! 10 weeks, today! i can't believe i've endured 4 weeks of constant nausea and puking. hopefully in another 4 weeks i will be completely done with this awful feeling. i can't wait to get back to normal, hit the gym, go out with friends, date my husband, hang with my kiddos...bake and cook!! i feel so disconnected from my usual life and all my friends and family. it's not fun!!

2nd trimester is just a couple weeks away. can't wait!!

in other news...jim came home from work yesterday, sick. thankfully, angela was able to come over and help with the kids in the afternoon. what a Godsend!! from dinnertime to bedtime was pretty awful, though...just sick me and four kids. 

poor jim was miserable. i set him up in the spare bedroom so he could be "quarantined" and get some uninterrupted rest. he's better today, but still not well enough to get out of bed.

these dinners brought to us have been so helpful. my first week of "morning" sickness, i wasn't able to prepare any food for myself or for my family and it was just horrible. so a HUGE thank you to everyone who has helped during this time!!

one two three

three things are saving my life right now:

1. welch's grape juice
2. golden grahams cereal
3. trident cinnamon gum

9 weeks and counting

i look forward to every tuesday because that's my week mark. today i am 9 weeks and 1 day. next week i'll finally be in the double digits and that seemingly elusive 2nd trimester will begin shortly thereafter!

this morning my super awesome friend and visiting teacher picked jackson up at 9am to go play at her house. she has three cute little boys. i knew he'd have much more fun over there. still, when he learned i wasn't going with him, he began to cry. i felt so bad for him, but also knew he'd be having fun in no time. sure enough, my friend texted me minutes later to let me know he'd found the trains and was perfectly content. he should be home by 1pm and i look forward to him telling me all about it.

no change in how i feel. still nauseous all day and all night. seems to get worse in the afternoon/evening...but perhaps there is a connection between that and the kids getting home from school. hehehe... i have to say, though....the kids have been pretty helpful. jessica has helped with after school snacks and helping with her younger siblings. when they get home, i give them something to do to keep them occupied while i go lay down. they're definitely watching more tv these days and playing more computer games (and hogging my kindle)...but only after they've done homework and chores.

i really miss zumba. i'm already missing that part of my life. for a while there, i was going to 7+ hours of zumba each week. it's dwindled over time and now that i am sick, it's non-existent. i'm hoping to get back during my 2nd trimester, but let's face it....it won't be the same from now on. not sure how zumba will work going into my 3rd trimester, and then...the baby will be here! i can do zumba at home but it's not the same as being in class with my friends - plus i burn a lot more in that atmosphere. and i know the gym won't take babies until they are six months old. *sigh*  i'm happy, but can't help but be bummed about this. i've really enjoyed the social aspect and getting in such great shape. plus, i finally got certified and now i wonder when/how often i'll be using that.

i can only handle being on my laptop for so long....'til next blog!

from bad to worse.

i now have the nasty cold my boys have. so now, when i cough, i am sure to be vomiting as well. lovely. to make matters worse, i have to somehow get myself and them to their pediatrician.

woohoo.

1st glimpse!

today was my first appointment! i've been looking forward to seeing the ultrasound, but after two miscarriages this year, also very nervous. at first, my doctor wasn't able to see a heartbeat - so we were both worried for a moment. but less than a minute later, there it was. i got to see our little bean, see the heartbeat, and also listen to the heartbeat. immediately relieved, i felt like i can finally begin to be relaxed and excited about this pregnancy. 

the due date they gave me was july 6th, but i knew i wasn't that far along. my own calculations put the due date at july 16th - which was SO cool because that was my grandma's birthday. dr. snyder measured the baby and came up with a new due date....july 16th!! i can't begin to express how much joy that brings me! it would be even cooler if he/she is born on the due date!

i am 8 weeks along, and happy to report i felt pretty good today. still nauseous, but compared to what i've been feeling...well enough enjoy my first appointment. feeling less sick made me nervous, though. i was concerned that less nausea meant something was wrong. but, nope! all is perfectly well. dr. snyder said that after seeing the yolk sac, baby and heartbeat, chances of a miscarriage at this point are below 3%. what a huge weight, lifted from me. i am so happy. dr. snyder was my obgyn when i had jenna. i wanted to have him again when i was pregnant with jackson but he had gone part-time. but he's back to full-time again...yay! he's wonderful.

misery.

it had to happen sooner or later. i finally threw up a couple days ago. yep, after two weeks of clenching my jaw and pursing my lips, head spinning with nausea...i finally lost control. people seem to think it's not as bad if you're not puking...but not so. NOT throwing up when all you want to DO is throw up....THAT is misery. so for two solid weeks i have been doing everything in my power to keep stuff down. it's been AWFUL. puking is never fun, but sometimes it alleviates that terrible feeling - at least for a little bit. i can't believe i have several more weeks of this ahead of me....

people keep reminding me how wonderful it is that i'm so sick. yes, it means this pregnancy is going well. yes, i should be (and am) so grateful to have a baby. but does that mean i can't complain a little?? i wanted this, yes. i've been through it before and knew it was coming, sure. but let's face it...every pregnant woman gets to vent her frustrations...her aches and pains.... it comes with the territory, dude!

i am 7 weeks, 4 days. next tuesday is my first appointment. i not looking forward to getting ready and leaving the house, but definitely excited to learn more about our little bean!

# 5

so..yes! we are having a baby! it's still early (about seven weeks along)...but i am definitely sick. it's a good thing i forgot how awful morning sickness is (more like 24-7 sickness), because i'm not sure i would've been so gung-ho about getting pregnant again! it is absolutely miserable, but it's also very reassuring because it tells me everything is going well.

The result are in!

so here's what's happened so far...

• friday, nov. 3rd - took a pregnancy test at 10 dpo. negative. my heart sank. and after all that hard work! lol
• saturday, nov. 4th - for some reason, i felt compelled to take the pregnancy test out of the trash and look at it. i brought it to the window and tilted it back and forth in the light. *GASP* there was a line!! it was barely there at all...but it was there!! jim looked at it and confirmed i wasn't seeing things. i got in touch with my bff and she confirmed, a line is a line.... i decided to be 100% sure by taking a digital pregnancy test. the results? "PREGNANT" I felt overjoyed...but cautious.
• sunday, nov. 5th - feeling crampy. i began to tell myself not to be happy about this pregnancy. in my mind, crampy feelings mean a miscarriage is on the way.
• monday, nov. 6th - first day to feel nauseous. just a bit.
• thursday, nov. 9th - feeling worse.
• wednesday, nov. 14th - last time i'll be instructing zumba for a while...
• thursday, nov. 15th - last night to enjoy a zumba class.
• friday, nov. 16th - date night! went out with jim and my zumba friends for the twilight movie and drinks/dessert afterward. i felt sooo awful, standing in line for Chipotle before the movie. then, of course, our seats were at the very top corner, furthest from the exit! i felt sick and panicky, but pushed through it. i even managed to finish that enormous burrito. i could definitely feel myself beginning the awful stage of morning sickness.
• sunday, nov. 18th - made chicken scallopine and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. last time i will want to be in the kitchen making food for a while...
• monday, nov. 19th - TRUE & COMPLETE 24/7 MORNING SICKNESS BEGINS. cancelled my zumba class at Church...
• tuesday, nov. 20th - forced myself to make cake pops for james' class. it was sooooo difficult to do, while feeling so awful. PLUS, had to make his ice cream cake! thank goodness for trisha, who did my grocery shopping for me that day!!
• wednesday, nov. 21st - did my best to make it a nice birthday for james. i even managed to go to the movies with the family. we saw rise of the guardians - great movie!! movie theatre pretzels and nacho cheese helped me get through it. luckily james requested an easy dinner - hot dogs wrapped in croissant rolls with orange mandarin jello salad. 
• thursday, nov. 22nd - thanksgiving day/james' 8th birthday. the kids were at their father's, so we spent a leisurely day at home...me feeling sick, jim putting the tree up...
• friday, nov. 23rd - my family agreed to celebrate thanksgiving today so all my kids could be there. but i felt so bad because i was soooo sick. luckily, i forced myself to go anyway and surprisingly was able to eat some food and play some games. and, after being on the phone throughout the day, finally got to speak with the on-call doctor who phoned in a prescription for zofran for me!
• saturday, nov. 24th - zofran to the rescue! at first, i felt worse...but then felt pretty good. not great, but better. good enough to go to the mall with the family. we bought new clothes for the kiddos (photo shoot), and james got his hair cut (hallelujah!). it was pretty dang difficult....i almost lost it a couple times. ugh....
• sunday, nov 25th - that's today! i am in bed, typing this as i clench my jaw. i am extremely nauseous, despite taking a zofran. oh well....at least i know my baby is fine. there is a great deal of comfort there. i am going to put this away now and find a movie to distract me. my family is at Church. i almost went but now I am so glad I didn't go along. i feel terrible.

someday

i never posted about this, but a few months after that miscarriage, i was pregnant again - only to miscarry again. i kept that one private because, after immediately announcing the first one, i didn't want to make the same mistake. i am glad i never posted anything about it - only close friends and family knew. two miscarriages in one year left me feeling extremely depressed and defeated. i began to wonder if it was ever going to happen. 

in the meantime, i have focused on other things, such as (surprise, surprise) ZUMBA! that is something that brings me a great deal of happiness. i do not know what the future holds so i might as well just keep on keepin' on. it's been so much fun instructing a free class at church, as well as instructing a song or two at classes and parties here and there. some employment opportunities have opened up but i don't think that is something i will do at this time.

we'd love to have at least one more child. we'd *love* to give jackson a little brother or sister. i would love a little girl version of him. i would love to give another child to jim. if it's meant to be, it'll happen - and it will last.

sad.

we lost the pregnancy today. i don't even want to say "baby." pregnancy sounds better right now. i've been resting, crying, connecting with friends and family, and crying some more. my sweet husband rushed home to be with me and help out. i am grateful i'd already planned for my youngest daughter to go home with a friend from school today, since i couldn't have forseen this.

i was in bed, crying and in pain, as i waited for jim to get home. cute little jackson walked in, came over to my side and held my hand. "you sick?" he asked. i told him i was sad. with that, he told me he would go get daddy for me, and he left the room. next, i heard a chair being dragged down in the kitchen, followed by the sound of a LOT of beeps. i knew he had the phone...

i got up as quickly as i possibly could and hobbled down the stairs to find this:

what a little sweetheart, he is. i sure love my little boy. he was trying to help. so cute.

jim was home in no time. i was surprised at how quickly he got here. turns out, he had nowhere to park at the terminal this morning so he drove all the way to work, enabling him to come home much faster than if he had to wait for buses. perfect day, for that to happen.

i am so grateful for my husband. he did and said everything i needed. he is my best friend. i love him dearly. he took care of jackson, brought me lunch from qdoba, listened intently when i needed to talk and comforted me when i needed it.

my parents stopped by, which was a nice surprise. i really appreciated seeing them and getting hugs and a nice visit. they said they'll bring dinner tonight.

so, the whole thing is extremely disappointing, sad and physically painful....but i am trying to be positive, focus on the things i do have. it's hard to tell everyone, after announcing the pregnancy so early on. hopefully there will be a "next time," and then i will wait til after my first appointment to share the news. but a friend was correct to say not to be upset for sharing the news, because this way friends can better support me because they know.

happy day

i love recording the things my children say and do. already, i'm getting fun feedback about the new baby...

jackson came up to me while i was doing zumba in my bedroom, hugged my hips, stuck his face into my belly and said, "hello, baby!"

jenna has noticed my snacking habits as of late. "mom," she said..."the baby's eating pickles."

today i made my first appointment, and much to my delight, discovered my old obgyn is accepting patients again! so, dr. snyder it is. he was my obgyn when i was pregnant with jenna, and i really liked him.

TWO PINK LINES!!!

here we are, three years later...jim is back from a year deployment to afghanistan, jackson is about to turn three, and we just found out we're having a baby! i still have this blog up, so i figured i might as well just add on to it rather than start a new one. so....here we go!!

despite all my zumba, my tummy is definitely not as flat and toned as i wanted it to be for starting another pregnancy. oh well. now that i am pregnant, i won't worry about it and just enjoy not having to suck it in anymore! gotta look at the bright side, right? i can resume my quest for my previously flat, toned tummy after this baby (or BABIES??) is born.