misery.

it had to happen sooner or later. i finally threw up a couple days ago. yep, after two weeks of clenching my jaw and pursing my lips, head spinning with nausea...i finally lost control. people seem to think it's not as bad if you're not puking...but not so. NOT throwing up when all you want to DO is throw up....THAT is misery. so for two solid weeks i have been doing everything in my power to keep stuff down. it's been AWFUL. puking is never fun, but sometimes it alleviates that terrible feeling - at least for a little bit. i can't believe i have several more weeks of this ahead of me....

people keep reminding me how wonderful it is that i'm so sick. yes, it means this pregnancy is going well. yes, i should be (and am) so grateful to have a baby. but does that mean i can't complain a little?? i wanted this, yes. i've been through it before and knew it was coming, sure. but let's face it...every pregnant woman gets to vent her frustrations...her aches and pains.... it comes with the territory, dude!

i am 7 weeks, 4 days. next tuesday is my first appointment. i not looking forward to getting ready and leaving the house, but definitely excited to learn more about our little bean!

# 5

so..yes! we are having a baby! it's still early (about seven weeks along)...but i am definitely sick. it's a good thing i forgot how awful morning sickness is (more like 24-7 sickness), because i'm not sure i would've been so gung-ho about getting pregnant again! it is absolutely miserable, but it's also very reassuring because it tells me everything is going well.

The result are in!

so here's what's happened so far...

• friday, nov. 3rd - took a pregnancy test at 10 dpo. negative. my heart sank. and after all that hard work! lol
• saturday, nov. 4th - for some reason, i felt compelled to take the pregnancy test out of the trash and look at it. i brought it to the window and tilted it back and forth in the light. *GASP* there was a line!! it was barely there at all...but it was there!! jim looked at it and confirmed i wasn't seeing things. i got in touch with my bff and she confirmed, a line is a line.... i decided to be 100% sure by taking a digital pregnancy test. the results? "PREGNANT" I felt overjoyed...but cautious.
• sunday, nov. 5th - feeling crampy. i began to tell myself not to be happy about this pregnancy. in my mind, crampy feelings mean a miscarriage is on the way.
• monday, nov. 6th - first day to feel nauseous. just a bit.
• thursday, nov. 9th - feeling worse.
• wednesday, nov. 14th - last time i'll be instructing zumba for a while...
• thursday, nov. 15th - last night to enjoy a zumba class.
• friday, nov. 16th - date night! went out with jim and my zumba friends for the twilight movie and drinks/dessert afterward. i felt sooo awful, standing in line for Chipotle before the movie. then, of course, our seats were at the very top corner, furthest from the exit! i felt sick and panicky, but pushed through it. i even managed to finish that enormous burrito. i could definitely feel myself beginning the awful stage of morning sickness.
• sunday, nov. 18th - made chicken scallopine and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. last time i will want to be in the kitchen making food for a while...
• monday, nov. 19th - TRUE & COMPLETE 24/7 MORNING SICKNESS BEGINS. cancelled my zumba class at Church...
• tuesday, nov. 20th - forced myself to make cake pops for james' class. it was sooooo difficult to do, while feeling so awful. PLUS, had to make his ice cream cake! thank goodness for trisha, who did my grocery shopping for me that day!!
• wednesday, nov. 21st - did my best to make it a nice birthday for james. i even managed to go to the movies with the family. we saw rise of the guardians - great movie!! movie theatre pretzels and nacho cheese helped me get through it. luckily james requested an easy dinner - hot dogs wrapped in croissant rolls with orange mandarin jello salad. 
• thursday, nov. 22nd - thanksgiving day/james' 8th birthday. the kids were at their father's, so we spent a leisurely day at home...me feeling sick, jim putting the tree up...
• friday, nov. 23rd - my family agreed to celebrate thanksgiving today so all my kids could be there. but i felt so bad because i was soooo sick. luckily, i forced myself to go anyway and surprisingly was able to eat some food and play some games. and, after being on the phone throughout the day, finally got to speak with the on-call doctor who phoned in a prescription for zofran for me!
• saturday, nov. 24th - zofran to the rescue! at first, i felt worse...but then felt pretty good. not great, but better. good enough to go to the mall with the family. we bought new clothes for the kiddos (photo shoot), and james got his hair cut (hallelujah!). it was pretty dang difficult....i almost lost it a couple times. ugh....
• sunday, nov 25th - that's today! i am in bed, typing this as i clench my jaw. i am extremely nauseous, despite taking a zofran. oh well....at least i know my baby is fine. there is a great deal of comfort there. i am going to put this away now and find a movie to distract me. my family is at Church. i almost went but now I am so glad I didn't go along. i feel terrible.

someday

i never posted about this, but a few months after that miscarriage, i was pregnant again - only to miscarry again. i kept that one private because, after immediately announcing the first one, i didn't want to make the same mistake. i am glad i never posted anything about it - only close friends and family knew. two miscarriages in one year left me feeling extremely depressed and defeated. i began to wonder if it was ever going to happen. 

in the meantime, i have focused on other things, such as (surprise, surprise) ZUMBA! that is something that brings me a great deal of happiness. i do not know what the future holds so i might as well just keep on keepin' on. it's been so much fun instructing a free class at church, as well as instructing a song or two at classes and parties here and there. some employment opportunities have opened up but i don't think that is something i will do at this time.

we'd love to have at least one more child. we'd *love* to give jackson a little brother or sister. i would love a little girl version of him. i would love to give another child to jim. if it's meant to be, it'll happen - and it will last.

sad.

we lost the pregnancy today. i don't even want to say "baby." pregnancy sounds better right now. i've been resting, crying, connecting with friends and family, and crying some more. my sweet husband rushed home to be with me and help out. i am grateful i'd already planned for my youngest daughter to go home with a friend from school today, since i couldn't have forseen this.

i was in bed, crying and in pain, as i waited for jim to get home. cute little jackson walked in, came over to my side and held my hand. "you sick?" he asked. i told him i was sad. with that, he told me he would go get daddy for me, and he left the room. next, i heard a chair being dragged down in the kitchen, followed by the sound of a LOT of beeps. i knew he had the phone...

i got up as quickly as i possibly could and hobbled down the stairs to find this:

what a little sweetheart, he is. i sure love my little boy. he was trying to help. so cute.

jim was home in no time. i was surprised at how quickly he got here. turns out, he had nowhere to park at the terminal this morning so he drove all the way to work, enabling him to come home much faster than if he had to wait for buses. perfect day, for that to happen.

i am so grateful for my husband. he did and said everything i needed. he is my best friend. i love him dearly. he took care of jackson, brought me lunch from qdoba, listened intently when i needed to talk and comforted me when i needed it.

my parents stopped by, which was a nice surprise. i really appreciated seeing them and getting hugs and a nice visit. they said they'll bring dinner tonight.

so, the whole thing is extremely disappointing, sad and physically painful....but i am trying to be positive, focus on the things i do have. it's hard to tell everyone, after announcing the pregnancy so early on. hopefully there will be a "next time," and then i will wait til after my first appointment to share the news. but a friend was correct to say not to be upset for sharing the news, because this way friends can better support me because they know.

happy day

i love recording the things my children say and do. already, i'm getting fun feedback about the new baby...

jackson came up to me while i was doing zumba in my bedroom, hugged my hips, stuck his face into my belly and said, "hello, baby!"

jenna has noticed my snacking habits as of late. "mom," she said..."the baby's eating pickles."

today i made my first appointment, and much to my delight, discovered my old obgyn is accepting patients again! so, dr. snyder it is. he was my obgyn when i was pregnant with jenna, and i really liked him.

TWO PINK LINES!!!

here we are, three years later...jim is back from a year deployment to afghanistan, jackson is about to turn three, and we just found out we're having a baby! i still have this blog up, so i figured i might as well just add on to it rather than start a new one. so....here we go!!

despite all my zumba, my tummy is definitely not as flat and toned as i wanted it to be for starting another pregnancy. oh well. now that i am pregnant, i won't worry about it and just enjoy not having to suck it in anymore! gotta look at the bright side, right? i can resume my quest for my previously flat, toned tummy after this baby (or BABIES??) is born.

easter weekend

here we are, almost 4 weeks later. can you believe it??? hard to believe that endless pregnancy actually ended. labor, delivery & healing is far behind me now. for a while there, i was thrilled to no longer be pregnant and excited about getting my body back - for good! however, i am finding myself missing my pregnant belly. i'm even feeling....baby hungry?!? what on earth???

tomorrow, jackson will be 4 weeks old. he's starting to fill out nicely and gain more weight. he's adorable and we love him more and more each day. we look forward to learning his personality and seeing those first smiles and hearing those first words. for now, we are thoroughly enjoying his itty-bitty stage. i love all those newborn sounds and smells.


as for me....i was 160 when i gave birth and now i'm down to 135. my goal and personal ideal weight is 115-120. last week, i figured i could start exercising since it'd been a few weeks after having jackson. the kathy smith fat burning workout still kicks my butt after all these years (i've been doing it since junior high - wow!). that vhs tape has always helped me get back into shape. kathy smith, don't fail me now!! i am still wishy washy over having any more children, but one thing is for sure....i want my body back first!! i like beginning a pregnancy in the best shape possible.

we have a vacation planned for later this year, so i want to be in great shape and NOT be pregnant. there are rides at disneyland and magic mountain i'll want to ride!! and i don't want babies back to back, either. hmm...the thought of five children is both appealing and nightmarish. i wonder what the future holds?

this weekend, we blessed jackson. jim gave the most beautiful blessing i've ever heard. it was so nice to have family here for the special occasion. it's so cool that jackson was born on st. patrick's day and blessed on easter! he's our little holiday baby.