sad.

we lost the pregnancy today. i don't even want to say "baby." pregnancy sounds better right now. i've been resting, crying, connecting with friends and family, and crying some more. my sweet husband rushed home to be with me and help out. i am grateful i'd already planned for my youngest daughter to go home with a friend from school today, since i couldn't have forseen this.

i was in bed, crying and in pain, as i waited for jim to get home. cute little jackson walked in, came over to my side and held my hand. "you sick?" he asked. i told him i was sad. with that, he told me he would go get daddy for me, and he left the room. next, i heard a chair being dragged down in the kitchen, followed by the sound of a LOT of beeps. i knew he had the phone...

i got up as quickly as i possibly could and hobbled down the stairs to find this:

what a little sweetheart, he is. i sure love my little boy. he was trying to help. so cute.

jim was home in no time. i was surprised at how quickly he got here. turns out, he had nowhere to park at the terminal this morning so he drove all the way to work, enabling him to come home much faster than if he had to wait for buses. perfect day, for that to happen.

i am so grateful for my husband. he did and said everything i needed. he is my best friend. i love him dearly. he took care of jackson, brought me lunch from qdoba, listened intently when i needed to talk and comforted me when i needed it.

my parents stopped by, which was a nice surprise. i really appreciated seeing them and getting hugs and a nice visit. they said they'll bring dinner tonight.

so, the whole thing is extremely disappointing, sad and physically painful....but i am trying to be positive, focus on the things i do have. it's hard to tell everyone, after announcing the pregnancy so early on. hopefully there will be a "next time," and then i will wait til after my first appointment to share the news. but a friend was correct to say not to be upset for sharing the news, because this way friends can better support me because they know.

happy day

i love recording the things my children say and do. already, i'm getting fun feedback about the new baby...

jackson came up to me while i was doing zumba in my bedroom, hugged my hips, stuck his face into my belly and said, "hello, baby!"

jenna has noticed my snacking habits as of late. "mom," she said..."the baby's eating pickles."

today i made my first appointment, and much to my delight, discovered my old obgyn is accepting patients again! so, dr. snyder it is. he was my obgyn when i was pregnant with jenna, and i really liked him.

TWO PINK LINES!!!

here we are, three years later...jim is back from a year deployment to afghanistan, jackson is about to turn three, and we just found out we're having a baby! i still have this blog up, so i figured i might as well just add on to it rather than start a new one. so....here we go!!

despite all my zumba, my tummy is definitely not as flat and toned as i wanted it to be for starting another pregnancy. oh well. now that i am pregnant, i won't worry about it and just enjoy not having to suck it in anymore! gotta look at the bright side, right? i can resume my quest for my previously flat, toned tummy after this baby (or BABIES??) is born.

easter weekend

here we are, almost 4 weeks later. can you believe it??? hard to believe that endless pregnancy actually ended. labor, delivery & healing is far behind me now. for a while there, i was thrilled to no longer be pregnant and excited about getting my body back - for good! however, i am finding myself missing my pregnant belly. i'm even feeling....baby hungry?!? what on earth???

tomorrow, jackson will be 4 weeks old. he's starting to fill out nicely and gain more weight. he's adorable and we love him more and more each day. we look forward to learning his personality and seeing those first smiles and hearing those first words. for now, we are thoroughly enjoying his itty-bitty stage. i love all those newborn sounds and smells.


as for me....i was 160 when i gave birth and now i'm down to 135. my goal and personal ideal weight is 115-120. last week, i figured i could start exercising since it'd been a few weeks after having jackson. the kathy smith fat burning workout still kicks my butt after all these years (i've been doing it since junior high - wow!). that vhs tape has always helped me get back into shape. kathy smith, don't fail me now!! i am still wishy washy over having any more children, but one thing is for sure....i want my body back first!! i like beginning a pregnancy in the best shape possible.

we have a vacation planned for later this year, so i want to be in great shape and NOT be pregnant. there are rides at disneyland and magic mountain i'll want to ride!! and i don't want babies back to back, either. hmm...the thought of five children is both appealing and nightmarish. i wonder what the future holds?

this weekend, we blessed jackson. jim gave the most beautiful blessing i've ever heard. it was so nice to have family here for the special occasion. it's so cool that jackson was born on st. patrick's day and blessed on easter! he's our little holiday baby.

1 week, 1 day old

For more photos and a video, visit our family blog!

he's here!!!

it's a good thing i finished jackson's quilt because...he's here!! things don't always go as i plan - i've gotten used to that. still, i had certain expectations...like hoping for an inducement on jackson's due date (the 20th). but reality has a way of being better than what i expected...

on monday night, jim and i went to bed pretty late. we love spending time together, talking, reading, playing games and so forth, that we lose track of time. after just a few minutes of laying in bed, i had a really strong contraction. jim has experienced me having contractions before, so he stayed put.....until another one came, and was worse. after several painful contractions, jim got his watch out and began timing. the contractions seemed to be coming just a couple minutes apart. oh my goodness....was i going into labor on my own?? i began to worry because i was so exhausted already and had hoped to be induced. yes, i am a planner...i like to be prepared. this was very unexpected and we began to think this just might be it! without me having to say a word, jim went right to my list and began packing items for the hospital. i love how he just gets on task like that, like he's reading my mind. well, the contractions began to subside....but they were still coming. we figured we weren't going anywhere yet, but at least the bags were packed and surely i had dilated quite a lot since last time i was checked. we discussed it and thought it best that we sleep separately because jim needed the sleep and i knew i'd continue to be up having contractions. i didn't want to keep him awake for no reason - it'd be dumb if we were both sleep deprived!

jim got up with the kids in the morning, as he usually does. i was incredibly grateful for that because i had been up all night and desperately needed the sleep. i asked if he could stay home from work and he said he would. i was worried about him being so far away if i went into labor. so i went back to sleep and set my alarm because i had a 10am appointment. next thing i know, jim is waking me telling me that it's 9:40am!! we were supposed to drop the kids off at 9:45am, at my friend stacy's house. i leapt out of bed and showered faster than i ever have. stacy was awesome, and drove over immediately to pick the kids up. soon enough, jim and i were on our way to my appointment. it was funny because i'd let my hair air-dry and had no makeup on, so the receptionist (who normally says, "hi, ellen!") just stared at me for a moment. i told her i was there to see dr. roe and she said, "oh, it's you! i didn't recognize you!" yeah, i looked pretty awful...especially after being so sleep deprived!

dr. roe arrived and checked me. i half-jokingly asked to be induced that day. he said i was 4cm and 100% effaced...then said to go to the hospital. my response: "wha-what?? what did you just say?" i thought i hadn't heard him correctly. he said i was in labor and to get to the hospital. wow!! i did NOT expect that. jim and i were totally giddy. we headed home for our bags, stunned by the fact that we'd be having a baby in just a few hours. crazy.

sooo typical....jim was speeding along and two motorcycle cops pulled us over. it was pretty funny, the wife in labor and the husband rushing through traffic... so jim pulled into an apartment complex and the two cops took their sweet time in walking over. jim was impatient, waving at them from the window to come over. obviously, the cops had no idea i was in labor. we WERE on our way to the hospital and I WAS in labor, but we had time to stop by our house...so it's not like we could agree to a police escort to the hospital. heck, i wasn't going to have a baby without slapping on some makeup first!! those pictures and videos are forever! haha...

we got home and hurried as fact as we could. then, we were on our way. trisha was already there when we arrived. it was so exciting!! we were going to have a st. patrick's day baby! we first entered the labor/delivery room at 11:45am. i was 4-5cm when dr. roe arrived and broke my water at 12:30pm. by 12:50pm, my contractions were getting really intense and i was asking for an epidural. i wasn't asking so much because of the pain at that moment....it was more about the fact that last time i asked for one, it took forever and i didn't end up getting one because it was too late. knowing how fast i go, i wanted them to find that anesthesiologist - STAT!!

unfortunately, i needed to go through an entire bag of fluid through my IV before i could get that epidural, so they gave me some fentanol in the meantime. man, that stuff is HEAVENLY!! i relaxed immediately...was even laughing. it was pretty hilarious. the contractions still hurt, but at least it took the edge off. finally, i got my epidural at 1:45pm and, after a few more bad contractions, it kicked in and my legs went numb. it's the oddest feeling, poking your own legs and not feeling a thing....

for the next hour, we three hung out and had a good time. i was completely relaxed, just laying there. trisha took lots of great pictures and videos for us. i really appreciated her presence, not only for the picture-taking, but because she is my closest sister and it meant so much having her there. she knows, more than most, what i went through three years ago in that same hospital. she was a great comfort, and second only to jim, my great advocate.

at 3:10pm, i was 6-7cm and the epidural began to wear off. and man, those contractions were nasty!! i was able to get another dose from my epidural, and by 3:25pm, i was 8-9cm. of course it didn't take long....jackson was born at 3:57pm. my epidural had worn off quite a bit, so it was pretty painful....but worth it. always, worth it. seems like it just took a few pushes and he was out! jim thought he was quite the purple, gooey mess at first. i adored him from the moment i laid eyes on him. it was so much fun to finally see him and hold him.

i got to hold him for a very long time before he was finally weighed and measured. his apgar score was a 9, the highest of all my children. he weighed 8 lbs., and was 20 inches long. i was so happy and grateful that we were able to have him on this day. and it was st. patrick's day - how fun is that?! there is also a greater space now, between his birthday and jenna's (march 27th). i didn't want their birthdays too close together. so we have a lot of special days in march, now! jackson and jenna's birthdays, my sister tina's birthday, and our anniversary (the 29th).

stacy had been watching our children all this time, and brought them to the hospital for a visit. they rushed to him immediately and were very excited. stacy brought jackson a stuffed puppy, as well as a balloon and pretty red flowers. i appreciate her so much for all she did. she is a wonderful friend.

even though i was exhausted and in pain, i felt so happy and so thankful for my life and my family. i also felt a surge of emotions towards jim. my feelings for him have continued to climb since we were married, but i'm suddenly feeling even closer with this tiny person connecting us. jim has changed my life in so many ways and i've always known he is an amazing husband and father. seeing him experience fatherhood from scratch like this has been incredible. he is a natural. i am so happy for him, and for us.

we couldn't believe what a good and quiet baby we had! in fact, jackson slept from about 2am - 7am! unfortunately, while he was sleeping, i was experiencing so much pain that i couldn't take advantage of it. they kept giving me meds but nothing seemed to help. when they finally gave me some demerol, i got really groggy and was able to sleep a tiny bit. we talked about staying another night but decided we both wanted to go home.

bringing jackson home was wonderful. we are so happy that he's finally here and look forward to watching him grow and change. thank you, to everyone who sent gifts, cards, meals, left messages and e-mails. we are feeling the love!!

week 39

i wrote all about this past weekend on our family blog, so go check it out!! basically, we had a surprise couple's baby shower for jim at outback steakhouse - soooo much fun!! - followed by registering at the hospital and getting a private tour of the maternity floor. after that visit to the hospital, both of us are feeling a lot more excited and prepared for jackson's arrival.

tomorrow is (hopefully) my last appointment. i've had LOTS of contractions this past week, so i should have progressed a lot since last time. i will be very surprised if i haven't changed much. i am really hoping we can schedule an induction for this friday, which is also my due date.

this weekend i finally continued with jackson's quilt. all i need to do now is hand-stitch the binding and it'll be done! i love how it's turning out.

now we wait. i look forward to jackson's arrival but i am also trying to relish every last moment of "freedom." i know it's going to be more difficult going places or getting things done around the house...so i continue to nest and do as much as possible (wthin reason) before he gets here. jim has (as always) been amazing. he is the most understanding, helpful, compassionate, dedicated man. i love and appreciate him so much. i am so excited about our new addition, and much of that excitement is for HIM.